In love, like in sales, there are no rules. Really… I mean, one could be studying whatever books from the best gurus out there, what works for some may not for others. Sure, a man who’s done the work will hardly fall anymore for a beautiful and fragile doll to save and father, but may rather look for unconditional loyalty, support, tenderness, womanhood, intellectual connection, intimacy and that little bit of craziness that can make his life more… well, live.
Love and relationships are two very different things: love makes no sense to the conscious mind [at first], when a relationship needs to make sense for building up the future of both partners [together]. Love can be one-sided, but when it comes to relationships, it’s not all about ‘me’ or all about ‘the other’, but all about ‘us’ and how well our fundamental needs can be met in the relationship whatever our own definition of it can be.
Love has nothing to do with desire either. Oxytocin only lives when stimulated by the chase, absence, idealization and unpredictability. Desiring a woman doesn’t mean loving who she is [or rather loving our perspective of who we believe she is] and surely not having our fundamental needs met. “She doesn’t give a sh*t, she gives me hard times but I love her so much!”
To me, love can be understood through quantum: we resonate on a particular frequency with a particular person at a particular time of our life for a particular reason that’s beyond our conscious understanding. Then, we call it “LESSONS”… well, if we are grown up enough and not stuck in the “TO ME” mode anymore, i.e. victimizing ourselves. “Why is this happening to ME?!” versus “This happened FOR me” or even better, “This happened AS me”. #Peace
Now that the differences between love and relationships are clearly defined, let’s find out more about our fundamental needs and how they relate to today’s big question: Why you shouldn’t date a female entrepreneur?
See, according to Tony Robbins, men and women have 6 core human needs: the need for certainty/comfort, uncertainty/variety, significance, love & connection, growth, and contribution. In this particular post, I will explain why a man may not have those needs met while dating a female entrepreneur.
1 – [Certainty/Comfort] She will choose her business dream over you
If there is one thing that could define all entrepreneurs, male or female, it’s their ability to get out of their comfort zone. This implies not knowing precisely what tomorrow will bring in, not signing for a secure job with a secure wage in a secure life plan longing for retirement, but taking daily risks in many ways following a business dream at all costs – and getting more and more comfortable with it.
The thing is, if you’re not an entrepreneur yourself, there are few chances that you can deal with such a stressful level of uncertainty or even understand how your life partner really feels – and we all know how emotional women can be. However, she does know that you need to feel in control of every aspects of your life, mostly, dare I say it, financially; she probably feels guilty to put you in such an insecure situation. Especially when she is just starting out and no money is coming in yet, you might then come up with those killing words: “Honey, please find a job!” No doubt she will hear “Honey, I hate your child. You suck at motherhood. Please abandon it!” [Tough]
No need to say that she will feel even more guilty and pressured so she’ll end up resenting you, for not only it’s way easier to say “I blame you!” rather than “I blame myself…”, but also, if her business dream is too much important or significant for her, if it comes to finally define who she is, then it’s like asking her to kill herself [metaphorically]. It’s like disapproving who she fundamentally is [and not loving her as she is].
When a woman is fully committed to her business dream, there’s nothing or nobody she’d let stop her on her way to succeed. WORD! If she sees you as a man who tries to do so, chances are she’ll choose her business dream [her child] over you.
2 – [Uncertainty/Variety] She is completely predictable
Of course, even if you’re not an entrepreneur yourself, you yearn for some level of uncertainty and variety in your life as well. How boring life would be otherwise! But let’s be honest here: only if you feel financially secure at first. The paradox is, as much as unpredictable entrepreneurship can be, in her daily routine, she will be COMPLETELY predictable. She will read, work, read, sleep [barely], read, work, read, sleep [barely],… and even manage all of her time through self-discipline so she can achieve more – regardless of what’s happening around her. She might as well lose many friends on her way, but hey, here’s a woman who clearly knows what she wants.
Mind you, she will feel fully guilty and literally panic if asked to spend a full weekend with your family or friends, i.e. far from her laptop, team or iPhone to move her project forward. Although she supposedly loves your family and friends, that may feel like a complete waste of her time according to her scheduling and To-do list; plus, she’s got to make money as soon as possible, you pressured her to do so, didn’t you? Well, bear this in mind: she’s got to do what she’s got to do, so later on she can do what she only wants to do.
To sum this up, there is no woman more predictable than a female entrepreneur. Not so fun and spicy, isn’t it? [Ugh!]
3 – [Significance] There is nothing more important to her than her business
We all need to feel important, special, unique, or needed. Man, don’t be a fool. There is nothing more important to her than her business dream [child]. There is nothing more special to her than the people who give their unconditional support and inspiration so she can achieve her goals whatever the stage she’s at or whatever the difficulties she’s going through. There is nothing more unique to her than those who did achieve what she aims at. Plus, the hard truth is, she doesn’t need you… well, not the way you’d like. She doesn’t expect you to solve her business problems for instance, or even harder, she’s quite fulfilled on her own. All she actually needs from you is your unconditional love and support while she’s bravely climbing the mountain of success – and it’s f**king TOUGH!
4 – [Love & Connection] She needs love more than anyone else
Love is the oxygen of life, it’s what we all want and need most. The thing is, if you can’t comprehend and deal with the things written above, chances are you two will have major problems of communication, misunderstandings, unmet needs, a heartfelt lack of love from the other and an underneath resentment that is bloody toxic in a relationship.
If she doesn’t feel loved the way she’d expect to be, she will meet that fundamental need by working even harder [avoiding you], come up with a big problem, or create stories to rationalize them. More problems, more resentment. Little by little, you might actually end up becoming strangers… or even worse, enemies.
5 – [Growth] If you can’t deal with all of these, your relationship is over
Happiness is not about achieving a particular goal dear to our heart. How many self-made millionaires end up miserable because they did not set up higher goals for themselves? How about those guys who walked on the moon? What other goals could they achieve – bigger than that? They ended up completely depressed, for happiness is all about progress. It’s all about growing. If you’re not growing, you’re what? Dying.
See, as mentioned before, if you are not an entrepreneur yourself, chances are you won’t be able to deal with such constraints, so much so that it will become harder for you to keep projecting yourself with her into your life. So what will you do? Stop making projects together, stop growing together, stop dreaming together. All is said here. [End of the relationship]
6 – [Contribution] You can’t be her hero
The last but not least, here comes our need for contribution. Corny at it may sound, the secret to living is giving. Life’s not about ‘me’; it’s about ‘we’. Think about it: what’s the first thing you do when you get good or exciting news? You call somebody you love and share it. Sharing enhances everything you experience. Ultimately, we are all seeking meaning from what we give.
Well, that being said, if you don’t support her business dream, guess what? She will stop sharing with you. If you’re insecure and expect immediate results from her, especially if like Saint Thomas, you only believe what you can see, well, she will think “Right, I will only talk to him about how my business is going when I’ll make enough money with it!”, that is to say probably not before a long, long time.
For sure, she will find a friend to whom she can daily talk about it though; she needs support, remember? How will you feel then? Cheated? Abandoned? Useless? Yeah, I bet you get it now. What else a man wants but to make his woman happy? What else a man wants but to be her every day hero? If that special need of a man is not met, guess what? You’ll find another woman to satisfy it.
[Bonus] Cheer up! It’s not all doom and gloom
Right, if you’ve read the article so far, chances are you still want to date a female entrepreneur and guess what? You’re very RIGHT! Why? Because here’s a woman who, again, clearly knows what she wants in life and who can COMMIT. Here’s a woman who stands up for herself, her needs, her dreams. She won’t be the one who [bored] will wait for you to come back home or check up on you all day long.
First, she ‘ain’t got time for that!’; then, if a woman is self-confident she will trust you. You might as well say: “Honey, I’m going for a night out with the guys!” and she’ll just reply: “Ok Baby, have fun! I’m studying this awesome book by Eric Ries!” [How cool is that?]
Moreover, to succeed as an entrepreneur is mostly a battle against oneself. That means she’s been working on herself, A LOT! She will not be the crazy emotional type or the one to enjoy fusses and gossips, nor spend hours at the mall on a Saturday afternoon sucking your credit card for clothes she’ll never wear. Actually, she’d rather keep that budget for online advertising. [Investment]
Here’s a woman who, no matter the problems she has to face, will focus on finding solutions to move on rather than falling for the cries, pointless floggings and ruminations.
In other words, she’s f**king strong and probably the best life partner to bet on and grow with hand in hand.
All you need to do is support her business dream. Trust her. Trust that she will make it to success. Failing is all about learning how to become better every day and ultimately, how to succeed.
Support her dream!
By Aline Kerneis
Founder at Boost Your Impact, VC Investor & Virgin StartUp Mentor
Aline Kerneis specializes in business strategy, open innovation, sales boosting, digital marketing, web design and entrepreneurship coaching. She has over 15 years of experience in various industries and corporate structures, first as a Business Developer, then in International Sales, and now Founder of BYI, VC Investor and Mentor for Virgin Startup to help entrepreneurs aged 18-30 achieve their goals and realize their potential through understanding problems, identifying solutions and implementing their plans to success.
Ever since, Aline has been advising hundreds of entrepreneurs, startups, inventors and SMEs of a wide range of markets. She has provided business & personal coaching for many of these clients, helping them to unlock their full potential.
Previously, Aline graduated from the International Business School (Paris) with two Business Master’s degrees and, before that, with a Management HND and a second-year university degree in Laws & Economics. However, she was – and is still – a self-taught, constantly studying key books from all over the world to keep adding new knowledge and skills to her existing portfolio with one single objective: bringing more value to her clients.
In five years, she will set up a global foundation based on a pyramidal scheme to help abused women transform their lives through walking the entrepreneurial road.
She is also a mind-shaking writer.
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